Happy 18th Anniversary!

Jessie,

20 years ago, you captured my heart with your smile & your confidence. Little did I know that the trajectory of our relationship would take off and we would be celebrating 18 years of marriage. I'm so grateful for the people we've become as we continue to learn how to love one another. Thank you for being patient and kind when I was otherwise. I am looking forward to an abundant future with you, Mr. Henry. 
We've come a long way, Baby! And the best is YET to come! 

Happy Anniversary!
Love,
Punkie

Sometimes You've Got to Play Hurt

Athletes participating in physically aggressive sports understand that injuries are a part of the game. They do the best they can to protect themselves, but know that they may get hurt. Those with the most competitive mindset understand that the game must go on, even if they’re injured. Most of them want to be a part of the game and understand that sometimes they’ve got to play while they’re hurt.

This same mindset can be applied to all relationships and marriage, in particular. Unfortunately offenses come as a part of our human experience with one another. Whether it’s intentional or not, those closest to us will offend or hurt us at some point. It’s inherent in the institution. And to try to avoid it would mean that we would have to stay isolated from human connection. It’s a risk we take when embracing the vulnerability necessary to have a meaningful relationship.

I think a fallacy in some marriages is that they expect to skip through the daisies without so much as a disagreement. That is not realistic and certainly not the reality of most couples. At the very least, we don’t expect to be hurt by our Honey. Unfortunately, though, there will be times of hurt and disappointment. However, you need to show up to play anyway. I’m not discounting transgressions but what I am saying is that your first line of defense shouldn’t be to retreat or wave the white flag. You should develop the attitude of an athlete and realize that marriage is a “contact sport” and you need to “go big or go home.” So talk it out, cry it out, get counseling, do whatever you need to do. But don’t give up, cave in or quit. Realize that sometimes you’ve got to play hurt because Marriage Ain’t for Wimps!

To Marriage with Love,

Tangie

Marriage Ain't for Wimps Series: It Ain't Over 'til it's Over!

So you two have been together for a little while and it seems you just can’t get your groove. He says up, you say down. She says right, you say left. What happened to the “happily ever after” that the movies illustrate so beautifully? You might say, “If this is happy, no thank you! I can do bad all by myself!!” Sceerrrr….Hold up, wait a minute! Don’t file those divorce papers, yet! There’s more work to do.

There’s a very convenient phrase listed as a reason for divorce and it’s called “Irreconcilable Differences.” How quaint. How convenient. You can slip just about anything in that category: “She can’t cook.” “He snores.” “I can’t stand his mama!” As small as this may seem to some, these issues can be a huge source of debate and contention for others. And after a time of wrangling over them, people get tired and just want out. Not so fast, Tonto. There’s more work to do!

Communicate. Compromise. Care.

Communicate

This is a point that can’t be emphasized enough. Communication is a skill that should be honed while you’re dating so that when you’re married, it won’t be a foreign concept. Communication is a two-way street. There’s the speaking element, but more importantly, is the listening element. Be mindful to communicate your concerns clearly, but be equally mindful to listen to the concerns of your spouse. Quite honestly, they may not be the best communicator, but knowing what they’re saying even when they’re not saying it, is a skill that is worth acquiring. Every disagreement doesn’t have to be a battle. Some things are best left unsaid…and some things are NOT. Know the difference.

Compromise

Oftentimes we don’t compromise in a relationship because we see it as defeat. Change your thinking. What you want is a positive outcome. What does it matter who seemingly got what they want? The beauty is understanding that you both win because when one person is satisfied, the other person should be satisfied. A win for one is a win for the team.

Care

Care enough about yourself, your mate and your marriage to do whatever it takes to make it work. Know that marriages don’t self-maintain no more than a car self-maintains. Sooner or later you have to put gas in the car and change the oil, at a minimum. So it is with your marriage. You have to do the little things everyday to keep your marriage flowing. There will be many ebbs and flows in the relationship, but that just creates opportunities to regroup and refocus…on each other.

I know there are instances where you feel that the union is irreparably broken. And that definition is different for everybody. What I may be able to manage in my marriage may be a deal-breaker for you. But what I hope to do is stop the genocide of our marriages just because we haven’t learned how to dwell with one another “according to knowledge.” Know that your marriage is worth every tear, disappointment, victory and triumph you will experience. It is the greatest representation of God’s love for His people. He loves marriage. He’s ordained it and sanctioned it. And He blesses it. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy, but it will certainly be worth it. So, be encouraged. Don’t give up the fight. Understand that Marriage Ain’t for Wimps and it ain’t over ‘til it’s over!

To Marriage with Love,
Tangie

If Loving You is Right, What am I Doing Wrong?

Sometimes you come to a place in your relationship when nothing seems to be gelling. If you say “up,” they say “down.” If you say “left,” they say “right.” There seems to be a breakdown in communication and you can’t figure out where it is. All you know is trying to discuss what you’re having for dinner turns into a conversation about how he dislikes your mother. Something’s got to give…Soon!

Does this sound familiar? If it does, don’t feel like the Lone Ranger. It’s an unfortunate and common occurrence in a relationship. When this breakdown occurs, you begin to wonder if the two of you are “compatible.” Well, the truth of the matter is, compatibility may have little to do with it. It may be more of an issue of dealing with problems that may have been swept under the rug or simply needing to practice some basic communication skills. Whatever the concern, it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. Let’s explore some tips to helping you and your Honey get along better and get back to that loving feeling.

1. Practice the Lost Art of Listening
Oftentimes when we feel really strongly about something, we stop listening to the other person and start focusing on what our counter-statement is going to be. There’s a reason why you have two ears and one mouth. A lot of people are not used to being heard, so if you give them the gift of a listening ear, both of you may come out winners.

2. Don’t be so Touchy
Too many times we allow our offense to get in the way of communicating effectively. For example, if you and your Honey are having a disagreement, the mature thing to do is to keep personal attacks out of the equation. Hurt people hurt people. If both of you are throwing verbal blows, nobody is being heard and, subsequently, the problem persists.

3. Walk a Mile in Their Shoes
The next time the two of you are in a “heated fellowship,” about “nothing and everything,” take a few seconds and mentally put yourself in their shoes. If she’s constantly nagging you about spending more time together, maybe you should consider how you’re allocating your time in the relationship. If he seems to always bring up how much money you spend on shoes, maybe he’s worried about your financial future.

The art of communicating in a marriage or any relationship is like learning a very difficult dance routine. Once you get the steps, however, the rest is gravy. You’ll begin to practice it unintentionally and it will, eventually, become a part of your natural flow in the relationship. Don’t confuse miscommunication with incompatibility. Learn to talk it out. When you do that successfully, you’ll be able to say, “Loving you is right and I ain’t doing nothing wrong!”

To Marriage With Love,
Tangie

Before You Do...

Check out my guest post on the Mocha Writer, Jamie Fleming's blog: Mocha Marriage. http://mochamarriage.blogspot.com/. I dedicate this posting to all you Wanna-Be's. LOL! Caution: Marriage Ain't for Wimps!

Marriage Ain't for Wimps! Series: What's Love Got to do With it?

Growing up we’re often barraged with the fantasy of meeting our Prince (or Princess) Charming, falling in love and living happily ever-after. So we go through our lives on the lookout for “The One” expecting that the rest of the story will get on the way. But what happens when we do meet someone, fall head-over-heels in love, get married and wonder, “What the???” People who say they love each other get divorced every day. So is love really enough?

Once I began to come into a full understanding of the enormity of the covenant of marriage, I began to wonder if love had anything to do with it at all. Don’t get me wrong, it is important that we love our spouses, but I would like to submit to you that love is simply not enough. Having a successful marriage requires commitment, patience, honesty, longsuffering and grace…to name a few. If you don’t have any of those characteristics, loving someone is not going to be enough. I would also dare to venture out and say that having those characteristics is what actually constitutes real love. It’s not the butterflies in the stomach or the tingling of your skin when you hear his voice. It’s the quiet assurance of knowing that he is in your corner no matter what or the security you feel when the two of you are just doing nothing. And can I be honest with you? Getting to that level of confidence in your relationship requires a fee. You heard me. Being that secure and comfortable comes with a cost of time, commitment and sometimes trials. Don’t buy into the fairy tale that once you and your Boo says, “I do” that the angels are going to come down and sing the Hallelujah Chorus to you. Nope! Expect to enter to a time of “adjustment” that will ultimately strengthen your bond if you commit to it and refuse to give up.

So here’s the deal, we need to adjust our concepts relating to marriage. Those of us who are married need to be transparent and tell people that the glow they see on our faces after several years of marriage comes from serious investment that ultimately set us up for a successful union. It’s after you put some time on it that your affection takes on another level. And that, my friend, makes up the truth of what love really has to do with it.

So next time we’ll discuss Life After “I do.”

To Marriage with Love,
Inspired Sistah

Marriage Ain't for Wimps!

Several months ago it was placed on my heart to write some words of admonishment to married folks. After hearing about several high-profile divorces in the media as well as in ministry, it really started to get under my skin. Not to mention hearing about the divorces of everyday people as well, I started to get more than a little irritated. Not because I don’t understand, but because I do understand. You see, I’ve been married for 15 years and it hasn’t been a Gravy Train Rolling on Biscuit Wheels. No ma’am! It’s been hard and harder, but we’re both committed to the union and I think that’s half of the battle.

This blog series will not be your typical “Just-pray-and-everything-will-work-out” discourse. Nope! I will talk about some very real issues facing us in marriage. But more importantly, I will offer some practical solutions so that you will realize that although marriage can be (and will be) challenging, you and your mate can live victoriously together. I entitled it “Marriage Ain’t for Wimps” because I think we often buy into the fairy tale of what marriage is supposed to be like and then when we’re given a one-two punch, we’re a little stunned and disillusioned and want to run away and start over with a sparkling, brand-new model. Well, here’s the reality: There are going to be a lot of issues that are going to come up in your marriage that are going to throw you for a loop. It’s inherent in the institution. It’s normal. I believe once we understand that, we will be better equipped to tackle them and live a fulfilled life in a fulfilled marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are some real deal-breakers that come up and I’m not advocating that you endure abuse. But what I am saying is that you seriously consider the covenant you made with your spouse and see if it’s worth fighting for.

I understand that this series won’t appeal to everyone. And that’s okay. But I think there are enough of us who can be encouraged enough to make a stronger commitment to a better marriage. And even if your marriage is near-perfect, I understand that it does not get that way or stay that way without real effort, so you may be able to benefit, as well.

So, stay tuned for the first installment of the “Marriage Ain’t for Wimps” Series entitled, “What’s Love Got to Do With it?”

To Marriage with Love,
Inspired Sistah