Happy 18th Anniversary!

Jessie,

20 years ago, you captured my heart with your smile & your confidence. Little did I know that the trajectory of our relationship would take off and we would be celebrating 18 years of marriage. I'm so grateful for the people we've become as we continue to learn how to love one another. Thank you for being patient and kind when I was otherwise. I am looking forward to an abundant future with you, Mr. Henry. 
We've come a long way, Baby! And the best is YET to come! 

Happy Anniversary!
Love,
Punkie

Questions and Answers

Periodically, I will feature a Question and Answer segment on the blog to attempt to answer any questions or respond to any feedback I’ve gotten during the previous weeks. One thing I know for sure is that people are really trying to figure this marriage thing out. And while I don’t claim to have all of the answers, I have had the opportunity to experience a lot of things in my marriage that has prepared me to encourage you from an informed place. Understand, I don’t have a license in Marriage and Family therapy or a PhD in Sociology, but I do operate from a place of “practical application” with success and that, my friend, is my “qualifier!”

This week’s questions:

Q. How do you promote cohesion in a marriage when your spouse does not believe in operating in this manner?

A. To fully explore this matter I would need you to elaborate a little more, but I will say this: My former pastor used to say, “You can’t do a single thing married or a married thing single.” The interpretation of that phrase is that once you’ve entered into a marriage covenant, you should no longer operate as if you’re the only person who matters. Your partner should have an equal voice in all major decisions that will affect the union. Both men and women are guilty of desperately trying to hold on to what’s “theirs.” However, the goal should be to learn how to marry your assets, both tangible and intangible, while maintaining your identity. Your spouse may be fearful of losing himself so you need to demonstrate to him that you can achieve more together than you can separately.

Q. How do you fight habits/ relationship styles that are rooted in the way your spouse was raised when they see nothing wrong/destructive about these habits?

A. To answer that question, first let me suggest that you re-frame your thinking. Your mission should not be to “fight” with your spouse about anything at anytime. Oftentimes people enter into marriages with pre-conceived notions and expectations about the course of the relationship. These expectations are usually predicated on things that they saw growing up or experiences they’ve had in previous relationships. The best way to effectively deal with those expectations is to discuss them openly and honestly. Try to understand their point of view and “lovingly challenge” them if they seem a little irrational. Remember, you, too, may have some “habits” acquired from your upbringing that your spouse may think is a little “off-the-wall.” All opposing viewpoints are not necessarily bad, they’re just different. As a “helper” in the marriage, your responsibility is to help your spouse shape into a better person whose life has been upgraded just because you stepped on the scene. Go gettem’, sistah!

Q. How do you help your spouse deal with their own fears, failures and insecurities without alienating them or making them feel chastised or more insecure?

A. One word: Wisdom. This answer will piggy-back off of the previous one. As “helpers” to our mates, we should seek to “dwell with them according to knowledge.” Viewing your spouse empathetically will help you nurture the areas that need to be nurtured and challenge the areas that need to be challenged. Remember, you may have a little “sumtin’-sumtin’” that’s not quite perfect, either. There’s a saying that says, “I’m all right and the world’s all wrong.” That’s how most of us feel when we’re by ourselves. But when we enter into a relationship with someone else, our short-comings become magnified. For example, we suddenly realize just how selfish and territorial we can be. Understanding this gives you the ability to be able to better support your spouse and bring positive re-enforcement to him. Remember, he is not your child. He doesn’t need to be chastised. He needs love and support.

Questions and Answers...

Once a week I will feature a Question and Answer segment on the blog to attempt to answer any questions or respond to any feedback I’ve gotten during the previous week. Where there are specific quotes, identities have been protected to ensure confidentiality. One thing I know for sure is that people are really trying to figure this marriage thing out. And while I don’t claim to have all of the answers, I have had the opportunity to experience a lot of things in my marriage that has prepared me to encourage you from an informed place. Understand, I don’t have a license in Marriage and Family therapy or a PhD in Sociology, but I do operate from a place of “practical application” with success and that, my friend, is my “qualifier!”

Q: What do you do with feelings for someone who is not your spouse?

A: The short answer: NOTHING!

The long answer: If you find yourself attracted to someone else, you must first do practical things like setting boundaries and minimizing your contact with that person. The more time you spend “interacting” with that individual, even on a platonic basis, you will be ultimately set up for a fall. On a deeper layer, what attributes are so attractive about this person that they deserve the energy that should be reserved only for your spouse? Remember, the grass is not greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it. Got a drought? Pray for rain!

Q: What do you do when your spouse does not support you making a career change?

A: Try to come from a place of understanding and get to the root of why they’re not supportive. Could it be in how you’ve approached the matter? Did you just walk in the house one day and announce that you’ve resigned from your job? Have you made earnest efforts to understand their point of view and help them understand your dreams and desires? Or did you just go into the corner and pout about it or rehearse it to five of your girlfriends about how unsupportive your husband is? When spouses are unsupportive, it is usually based out of fear of the unknown (How will we pay our bills?) or from a place of insecurity. If you feel they are insecure, work with them on feeling secure about the changes you desire to make that will ultimately be for the good of the union, not just for you.

Q: How do you help your spouse understand or realize that the family needs to have a mission/vision and not just exist?

A: Communicate. Demonstrate. Appreciate.

• Communicate to your spouse some of your desires for the family. Listen for their feedback. And when you get the feedback, don’t discount it.
• Demonstrate the change you would like to see. For example, if you desire for the family to be on a spending plan, begin to implement some changes in your own spending and share them with your family.
• Appreciate them for being who they are. You are not married to a child. You are married to an adult, and no grown person wants to be talked to like a child. However, if you begin to honor them with your words and line that up with corresponding action, change is inevitable.

Here is a snippet from a letter I received after my last blog post, “Don’t Start Nothing, Won’t be Nothing”:

“[I] just wanted to thank you for the last installment of Marriage Ain't for Wimps. My husband and I are right there! And your blog described us perfectly. My flesh wants out, [but] my spirit doesn't feel released and I am getting worn waiting for a word from the Lord. Thank you for putting it into words. We are in counseling now but we haven't begun to scratch the surface of what is really going on. Pray for us. I want God to be glorified...but I want relief too.”

My response:

“My heart feels you. My husband & I were there several years ago. I remember wanting out of the marriage so badly, but in my spirit I knew that God was a Healer & a Restorer. I'd gotten to the point, though, where I didn't want to be healed or restored. I just wanted out! What I will say is that if you know what is right in your Spirit Man, don't discount it. It is a lie from the enemy that you will be better off without your husband. Your marriage is to help you not to hurt you. You're in counseling. Congratulations! Take full advantage of it. Don't hold back. Trust the process so that you and your marriage can be healed. Know that your story is being played out a million times over in households all over the world. That tells me one thing: that the enemy is after our prize because if we're distracted, we're ineffective for the Kingdom. Please be encouraged and know that you ALREADY have the victory. Refuse to receive anything less!”

In closing, know that having a successful union requires a lot of personal sacrifice. Your goal should be to give the advantage and not to take the advantage. That’s a hard pill to swallow, at times, and may not initially come so easily. Pride, hurt, and anger can hinder you from getting the results you really want in your marriage. But, unless you’re married to a fool who refuses to change (and sometimes you are, LOL!), you will see positive outcomes with consistent, genuine effort.

To Marriage With Love,
Tangie

Marriage Ain't for Wimps! Series: Don't Start Nothing, Won't be Nothing!

Oftentimes, I talk to married people who are less than fulfilled in their marriages. They’ve settled into a lifestyle with their mates that includes work, kids, basketball practice, mortgage, car notes, sometimes vacations…and sometimes sex. Five to Seven years into it and they’re wondering “What in the world is going on? How did we get here?” Lately, the first response has been that they’ve “grown apart” and have “irreconcilable differences.” They then start making decisions that leaves a bloody trail of broken hearts, bad credit and dual-custody. But let’s take a minute to examine the road that got them there and look for a detour.

The institution of marriage is inherently filled with “opportunities of growth and development”… to put it nicely. Those “opportunities” are designed to help you grow out of your stage of selfishness and learn how to love someone unconditionally. It’s tough and not many of us like going through tough times. So there’s a tendency to shy away from those “opportunities.” You can get into a pattern of what I call, “Don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing.” That phase occurs when you two are avoiding the “white elephant” in the room and tip-toeing around the issues you have. As a result, you fall into The-Hole-of-No-Communication where you’re not arguing, but you’re not having constructive conversations, either. Your dialogue is riddled with talks of bills, work and kids. Day after day, month after month, year after year of this non-confrontational lifestyle leads to the demise of your relationship. You “suddenly” wake up 15 years in as strangers begging for a way out. One person told me that the reason he and his wife got a divorce after 30-something years of marriage was because they stopped “maintaining the care of their relationship.” Well said.

So here are some tips to avoid slipping into the hole:
1. Understand that good marriages are not automatic. They don’t become good or stay good without daily maintenance.
2. Know that although avoiding a topic altogether may seem like a good idea, it will only hurt the union in the long-run.
3. Before broaching a touchy subject, think about what you want the intended outcome to be and formulate your conversation with a positive result in mind.
4. If need-be, agree to disagree, but be mature enough to try and understand the other person’s viewpoint and work toward a common-ground.
5. If you feel like you’re just at an impasse, care enough about your marriage to seek professional assistance—not your single, best girlfriend or your boy from college, unless, of course, they’re trained professionals.

Marriage is, indeed, one of the most difficult challenges you will have right up there with raising children and walking on hot coals! LOL! Seriously, even if you’re going through a rough patch now, know that you don’t have to stay there. You can actually go THROUGH. Realize that if you navigate those murky waters with skill, smooth sailing is a wonderful luxury that will be yours to enjoy. So be courageous enough not to fall into The-Hole-of-No-Communication and avoid the trap of “Don’t Start Nothing, Won’t be Nothing!”

Next time we’ll discuss some common attitudes in marriage in a blog entitled, “If Loving You is Right, What am I Doing Wrong?”

Please feel free to send your comments/questions to Marriage@MarriageAintforWimps.com or follow us on Twitter @MightyMarriage.

To Marriage...With Love,

Inspired Sistah